Suicide and Me

One frequent question I am asked is what are you thinking? For those who know me I am considered an extroverted introvert. I'm quiet but can become easily active and talkative around my comfy peeps. I recently heard a phrase "I don't look like what I've been through" and instantly thought me too. From the title one must be wondering where is this going, but I'm getting there.

If you are familiar with my Hol Mi Close posts I typically share a struggle and how I overcame it. A year ago I lost a friend to suicide and I literally found out a few hours before my final exam the following morning. However, the message had not clicked until five minutes remaining in my exam. Read more about that story with the link provided above. Now, a year later and it would almost appear that I have been going through the greatest struggle of my adult life. Throughout the year I had formed and made some great friendships. I learnt patience, tolerance and other wonderful life lessons. I had met someone who was also suicidal. I expressed my views on it, their views and whenever those thoughts would come up with my friend I'd try to find other activities to distract them. It was good on some days not so great on others but I was adamant to continue whatever I was doing. One day I went walking and walked into what was an attempt to fulfill the thought of suicide. Stopped in my tracks and I didn't know what to do. The first thought was to just instantly become cold to numb the emotions but then I thought of what that would do to my friend. Would they continue what I have intially planned to if I reacted that way? Was the first question that pooped. After a speech that went not very far in my opinion. I left and continued where I had planned to go. Pretending to be fully functional but my mind had been playing re-runs of the previous episode. A few hours later I break down; it was just too much for me to handle. I got myself together and went to get some assistance. The suggestion was made to take my friend in to see the counselor I had gone to see. I was nervous almost scared because I knew the reaction I would receive. The exchange was just has I thought it would take place. There was a resistance to attend but the deal I was given was only if I was in going they would go. Things were going ok and then they stopped going. In a way I feel guilty that I was not the friend I should have been to Jahvon after we left Primary School and it is something I carry around but do not focus on continuously. Then to be faced; literally faced with suicide was quite deteriorating mentally and emotionally. Periodically, I go through my old diaries to remind myself of where I am coming from. When I see my own penmanship of how I wanted to die, how worthless I was and other scary expressions. I shiver. I have to think did I really write that? I've thought of burning them because it's apart of me that I am not pleased about but look to keep it has my reminder of growth. Some days I feel has though I have failed both of my friends and it hurts more than it shows. I never wanted to continue my studies at university, my health was horrible I felt has though I was so close to death and that is not an exaggeration. My vision was suffering, very low blood count, coupled with low blood pressure and acute gastritis. I spent most of my time saying God why?! But after the experience I am grateful. Grateful for the new experience in my arsenal. You can read about suicide cases or have a pretend sessions has a Counseling or Psychology Major but there is nothing like hands on experience. I am grateful for my greater trust and faith in God. I spent my time trying to fix and figure things on my own and not solely with him in charge.

 I am grateful for the stories that I can share. 
Some gifts are not wrapped in the prettiest papers. They sometimes come tattered and in ugly looking wrapping paper. But ultimately the joy and the message is on the inside only if you're willing to open it.

If you know someone who may be suicidal or have suicidal thoughts please seek assistance. You may just save their lives and your mental health. Do not try to fix this issue on your own if you are not competence in the helping profession. Let us continue to pray for our friends, family and other people across the world.


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